Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to workfriend@nytimes.com. Include your name and location, or a request to remain anonymous. Letters may be edited.
An Office Romance
I have been dating a man who works at the same company as I do since 2021. Our relationship has since developed, and it has been almost three years now. We love and trust each other, and since we are both in our mid-thirties (an age considered appropriate for marriage in Korea, where we live), we have decided to get married next year.
For the past three years, I have kept the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret from my co-workers, even my close ones. There are several reasons for this, but the biggest is that I didn’t want to be the subject of office gossip, and I wanted to avoid the potential awkwardness in case we broke up. During this time, some co-workers have suggested that I meet their single friends. Sometimes I feel guilty, as I realize that I may have deceived people who truly care about me.
Now, as the time has come to openly acknowledge my relationship, I’m feeling anxious and unsure. Do you have any advice for me?
— Anonymous
I admire your restraint and discretion; I’m not sure that most people would be able to keep a romantic relationship with a colleague under wraps for even a few months, much less a few years. But my advice is pretty straightforward: Announce your engagement to your co-workers and explain that, until now, you’ve needed to be tight-lipped about the relationship to keep things professional and uncomplicated in the workplace.
As for how to break the news? This is no doubt a big part of the reason you’re feeling so anxious. I’d start with approaching one of your closest, most trusted work colleagues and taking the person’s temperature, not just about your news but how to best share it with others in your professional circle. There’s something interesting about getting advice from one of the very people you’re so nervous about revealing information to about to how best to reveal that information to others. See if your co-worker thinks others should be told in person — separately or in a group — or whether breaking the news is better done in writing. Your colleague will feel included in your process, and will no doubt appreciate the gesture.
One thing you didn’t mention in your inquiry is whether you and your fiancé hold the same status at your company or if one of you has a more senior role. This feels relevant, if only because this status is going to be taken into account by your co-workers as they process the news about your relationship.
No matter how you approach the revelation of your relationship, you should be prepared for the likelihood that you’ll be the subject of office gossip. It’s natural that people will react to such substantial news with a desire to discuss what they did, or did not, intuit about your relationship status over the past few years. Give them the space to do so while giving yourself enough grace to dispense with any lingering guilt. Also: Don’t put pressure on yourself to justify your decision to keep your relationship a secret. An explanation should be enough.
I suspect that some of your co-workers will have hurt feelings. After all, no one wants to feel, as you put it, deceived. However, those close colleagues who truly care about you will understand and respect the predicament you’ve been in. Just don’t tell them that you’ve been concerned about office gossip; the implication will be that they lack discretion, and it’s likely and understandable that they’ll find such an assumption offensive. One last thought: You might want to consider going to your company’s human resources department before you reveal your relationship to your colleagues. Though I don’t think it’s crucial, doing so would signal to H.R. that you’re committed to communicating openly, if need be, about other aspects of your relationship that may need to be shared.